“About time for another,” they say.
“Doesn’t Ev want a sister or brother?”
Ugh. It stresses me out thinking about it. I am “no spring chicken” as my mother says, but a) rude and b) it’s 2015. Having all of your babies popped out by the time you are 35 is a thing of the past. I realize that the complication risks go up as I age, but I just don’t feel like I need to make that decision right this second.
And if I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure I want another.
There, I said it. I know that the readership of this blog just took a collective gasp at the thought of intentionally choosing to have only one child, but it’s true for me right now. I also know lots of folks are wondering why. Those closest to me know that I’ve talked about having lots of children most of my life and are wondering what changed. Well, the biggest answer to that question is that what changed is that I became a parent. I know what to expect and to expect the unexpected. There is so much to parenthood that doesn’t go according to plan, or according to my needs and my schedule, so many illnesses, unforeseen costs, sleepless nights (read: weeks), irrational fears, etc. Ev is at such an independent place, too. The thought of starting over seems overwhelming right now.
There is a tiny piece of me that worries that I should have another child for Ev; that I am being a selfish parent by not giving him a sibling to play with and help care for. I find justification in child care. The boy has been in child care since he was nine weeks old. He has had to share things, including attention, his whole life. His social development is arguably right on track. (I say arguable because there’s a good chance he’s pushed another child while I’m writing this.)
There is also my husband. We had always talked about having more than one child, or at least attempt one more time to try and have a girl. I was worrying over talking with him about my change of heart, but it just so happens that he was feeling the same way.
I said, “What happens if we wake up one day and regret we never had another child but it’s too late?”
Please don’t get me wrong: the joys of parenthood far out weight the tribulations. I cannot imagine my life without my son. I love him so much it hurts. I know that there is never a good time to add to the family and that having another child just adds that much more joy. But, I think our family feels complete. And until I start feeling incomplete, I’m not ready to make any changes.