Ever have a moment when you basically get called out by your child? I have. At a recent visit at the psychologist, when asked if he has any chores at home, Ev said, “No. My mom does everything for me.”
Hello, truth bomb. At first I got defensive. Like, “Hold up, buddy, that’s not true. I don’t do everything for you.” I was feeling defensive and guilty because it is a little bit true. Ok, a lot bit true. I often do things for Ev that he could do for himself and moreover, that he should do for himself. One example is getting him dressed. I know he is fully capable—but in the essence of saving time and irritation, I often just did it for him. He can be a very stubborn, strong-willed child and sometimes I don’t want the fight or the struggle. As I talked with my husband and what I knew, deep down in my heart, was that I was not doing Ev any favors. Building independence and responsibility are an important part of his development.
We are trying something new. Remember when I talked before about the things I said I’d never do as a parent and now do without hesitation? One of those things I swore I’d never do was use “behavior modification strategies.” That’s a fancy way of a saying rewarding desired behavior, for example, a sticker on a chart every time your child uses the potty. Well, we are trying one. We got an old pickle jar and some marbles. Ev gets marbles for very specific objectives during specific time frames. So, from wake-up until going to school, Ev can get a marble for:
- Getting dressed on his own;
- Brushing his teeth after only being asked once,
- Not saying any bad words during that time (Ev’s current favorite is butt crack);
- Not being asked more than once to do anything during that time frame and
- Eating healthy for breakfast (which is usually aclementine or yogurt).
There are also specific objectives for after school.
Each marble represents 2.5 minutes of iPad time during the weekend. (Remember the no iPad rule on week nights!) My husband and I talked about rules for ourselves as well. First of all,we want him to be successful, so we started with sections of time versus all day. Before we walk out of the door to school, Ev already has some marbles which I think starts the day with in good spirits. When you are feeling good, you do good. Secondly, we vowed that marbles cannot be taken away. Once they are earned, they are earned—regardless of how frustrated we may get.
The first week went really well. Ev was excited to collect marbles. He picked them out each time. He was excited to see the jar fill up. We did encounter one problem. Once the weekend came, Memorial Day weekend, Ev spent the entire time outside. He hardly used his iPad. He had a great weekend, playing on a water slide and using real bricks to build a pretend house. But when Monday rolled around, we emptied the jar which was kind of difficult to explain. I was worried Ev would feel like it was all for naught. But we’ve started week two and he seems just as engaged. We are hopeful this will be a good way for Ev to start feeling good about doing things on his own. I want to eventually add tasks, such as chores (i.e. feeding the dogs, helping to clear table after dinner). And it also helps me not do so much for him.